Mom Then and Now

I think Mom has given up! October 22, 2009

This is probably the saddest time in my life.  I think mom has given up on life and I am not handling this too well.  I have to put up pretences in front of her and feel totally drained.  Adam, the youngest, seems to be taking strain as well.

Mom is now scared to be alone even for 1 minute.  Sarah has been sitting with her lately while she sleeps in the day and she wanted Sarah to sit with her tonight through the night.  Sarah is really over worked because she is the only one that mom wants at the moment when it comes to helping her.  We negotiated with mom and she agreed she will sleep alone if we leave the light on and the door open.

I noticed that she has become scared lately as she cries if I go out even for 1 hour.  If I go out I make everyone in the house sit with her until I get back so that she can see there is a house full of people.

I asked her tonight if she wanted a nurse to sit with her every night and she said yes she thinks so.  I will see how she feels tomorrow and maybe this is the way to go.

On Sunday when Alan was here she told him that she is going to die soon and we are hearing this more and more often.  Tonight she told Sarah that this is her last night.

Danie and I were discussing her birthday party with her tonight which is a month from today but she told us not to worry she will not be here by then.

She is so incredibly unhappy and I don’t blame her at all.  Maybe I am being paranoid but I  just have a feeling the end is near.

Should I be selfish and pray that this is not true or should I accept losing my mother if that is what she wants?

We seem to be going backwards fast October 16, 2009

I have not written for quite a while because nothing much seemed to be changing but in the past week I have noticed major changes taking place.

Sarah is the only person that mom will allow to help her.  When I offer to put her to bed she tells me that her feet will fall out the bed if Sarah does not do it.  Tonight she called after she was put to bed.  I went to ask what she wants and was told she wants Sarah.  When Sarah got there mom asked her for tissues.  I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow when Sarah goes home for 2 days.

Mom seems to be worrying all over again about whether her money is going to last her.  I keep on reassuring her that she has more than enough to live on and show her her bank balances regularly.  This is something that has not bothered her for a long time now.

Last night we went to a 90th birthday party that was held for a Lion by the Lions Club.  Mom was happy while she was there although she did not really talk much and was happy to leave after 45 minutes.  Today she was crying that she is bored and has not seen people for months and months.  We hardly take her out anymore because this is exactly what happens after a night out but as for never seeing people…there are people around her all day long.

We crossed a major bridge on Saturday when she agreed to go to the school carnival in her wheelchair.  When I suggested it she argued but eventually gave in and then agreed that she had enjoyed not having to walk around.

Today she told Sarah she did not feel for going for a walk when Sarah wanted to take her.  This is a first.  She loves her daily walks.  She refused to knit and would not watch TV.  The day must be very long for her but she refuses to do anything.

All her furniture and possessions came from the flat yesterday and for 2 days Sarah, Lena, the new domestic, and I have been unpacking all her things.  She has shown no interest in anything that has arrived although she refuses to throw anything out.  The only thing she was excited about was her display cabinet.  All she wanted to know was where her clothes were and can’t understand that she already has them all.  She is unhappy with her 9 wardrobes in her bedroom *rolls eyes*.  I wanted to put her favorite couch in her room but she refused and does not want her bedroom moved around.  I must say…she loves her bedroom and is really happy with her bathroom.  She now has mirrors everywhere and all the luxuries she could possibly want.  She is still very aware of what she looks like and likes to check up to see that she looks good.

I have no idea how I am supposed to make her day go faster for her.  She does not want to do anything, not even go to Checkers with me.  The only thing she always wants to do is visit friends but when I ask her which friends she says she does not know any friends.

Rene realises she has a problem with her mind.  She knows exactly what she wants to say to me but can’t seem to put it into words.  She tells me she wants to tell me something but can’t say it properly.  We sit for ages in silence while we wait for her to try and get the correct story out.  When mom starts talking I tell everyone to keep quiet and give her a chance because if she does not say what is on her mind she will not remember it in a minutes time.

Today when she was crying she said she does not know what she has done wrong in her life for this to happen to her.  I told her that I thought she should be very grateful that she had 86 pefect years.  She has enjoyed good health, a wonderful full life and always had her family close to her.  She agreed with this but said that she could have had it for much longer.  Oh well who am I to argue!!

Mom will never come out of her room without someone fetching her.  I often tell her that she is not in a jail and must not sit in the room when she wakes up but must come down to the lounge.  She refuses to do it.  Tells me she does not know where she is supposed to go.  I now keep the monitor on permanently for her so that she can call when she is awake but she won’t do this either so we just listen for movement and then go in.

Mom has become very quiet even with me and my family.  She will still talk to us when we start a conversation with her but will seldom start one on her own except when she is worried about something and wants to ask me about it.  She will often tell me she is very worried about something.  When I ask what it is she says “I dont know what I am supposed to wear tomorrow” or “do your think my pyjamas will be out for me when I want to go to bed tonight”.  The most trivial things are really worrying for her and I feel so sorry for her because to her they are really big problems she has.

Dylan, my eldest son, seems to not be handling this situation very well anymore.  He is withdrawn when it comes to Gran.  I think he is sad and can’t accept what has happened to her.  Alex and Adam still dote on her constantly.

I can actually notice moms body become more frail almost by the day.  We have to help her up and down the 2 stairs in the house and we do not dare let her out the house without holding her arm, which she absolutely hates!!!

I think she is becoming depressed again and maybe I need to talk to the physician about upping her medication because she has been wonderful since she went on it until this week.