Mom Then and Now

The Birthday Bash!! November 11, 2009

Rene is turning 87 on the 22nd November and we busy organising the party.  We gave her different options and she was happy with a spit braai (BBQ lamb on a rotisserie).  I have always loved entertaining but I dont seem to have the energy for very much anymore.  I have gone all out and hired a company to do the spit and salads for us.  I just hope she enjoys having all her family and a few friends with her for her birthday.  She has told me that if she is confused at her party she is not coming out of her room!!  THAT IS ALL THAT I NEED!!

I honestly thought she would enjoy organising the party with me as she has always excelled at doing that.  She has organised all my kids Barmitzvah’s, birthday etc but now when I ask her what she would like she just says “whatever you think is fine with me”.

We are getting her flat ready to rent out and there are quite a few things that need to be changed if we want to get decent tenants.  I have told her about all the problems and asked what she wants to change but she just listens and tells me to do whatever I have to do.  She does ask if everything is looking nice etc but thats about it.  I am happy that she trust me with everything but sheeeeesh I use to enjoy a little argument every now and then.  Why must she just agree all the time!!!

[P.S.  I had a good laugh at Fransie a few minutes ago.  Before I publish anything on here she proof reads it for me.  She said "By the way...it's so much easier to agree with you than argue".  And this is supposed to be my best friend!!!]

More tired every day…. November 11, 2009

Mom now wakes up at 8am, goes back to bed at 10am for between an hour and 90 minutes, eats lunch at 1pm and goes back to bed for 2 hours in the afternoon.  By the time we get ready for dinner at 6pm she is arguing with me that she does not want to eat but to go  back to bed for the night.  I force her to eat and then sit up for at least half an hour before we put her in her pyjamas and put her to bed.  She seems to enjoy lying in bed at night waiting for everyone to go say good night to her.

All her children were here the other day for Sunday lunch and she excused herself in the middle of lunch saying she is tired and needs to go sleep.  Normally Rene would NEVER miss out on a family gathering.  She was always the belle of the ball and her energy used to put us to shame.  We have had to refuse going to Selwyn’s birthday tea because she would never be able to miss out on her sleep.

I give her the option of going out with us but she always refuses and says she would rather stay home.  She missed Alex’s prize giving last month because she felt she would not be able to manage it.  This is the first prize giving she has ever missed.  She has previously gone to every function that my kids have had at school.  I doubt she will be able to make Dylan’s graduation next month and this is normally the highlight of her year.  (Dylan is now graduating for the 3rd year in a row in case anyone was wondering.)  She did however go to Alex’s concert last week and enjoyed it but was totally exhausted.

The imagination is running riot!! November 11, 2009

Well..every day is definitely different!!  The latest is that mom thinks she is involved in EVERYTHING.  If we watch soccer she is upset because when they come fetch her she will not know how to play.  When she sees figures on the TV she is worried because they have not brought her the figures to add to her product list.

The other day she came to me really upset saying “Janine you have to help me you are my daughter and the only one that can help me”.  When I asked what she needs help with she came with the newspaper and the article about Agliotti.  She said they are going to come question her and she will land up in jail and she does not know what to tell them when they get here.

If someone is talking on the phone she is convinced the phone is going to ring for her and she does not know what to tell the people.

All this is really scaring her.  We try and calm her down and assure her that she is not involved in all these things.  She then relaxes for a few minutes and might even laugh about how silly she was BUT not even 5 minutes later she is saying the same stuff again!!

She asks me 50 times a day what she has to do next.  Who is coming to see her.  Who does she owe money to.  She is often not able to sleep and gets up and comes to ask me what she needs to do for someone.  When I tell her she needs to do nothing she is angry with me that I am not helping her.

Another thing she wants to do all day is make lists.  “Janine please help me I am in a state.  I have to make a list.  Help me make my list.”  When I ask what list she wants to make she gets cross with me and says that I am supposed to tell her what lists she must make.  Its no use me lying to her and saying something like “make a list of who you want at your birthday” because she will start crying and say “you know thats not the list I have to make”.

All this is very tiring.  There is not one minute that she is awake that she is not worrying about something.

Heavens knows how long this is going to go on for.  I dont want to increase her sedative because she is very tired lately and I dont want her sleeping anymore than she is but she needs something to relax her brain.  Its going to drive her as well as all of us nuts!!

I think Mom has given up! October 22, 2009

This is probably the saddest time in my life.  I think mom has given up on life and I am not handling this too well.  I have to put up pretences in front of her and feel totally drained.  Adam, the youngest, seems to be taking strain as well.

Mom is now scared to be alone even for 1 minute.  Sarah has been sitting with her lately while she sleeps in the day and she wanted Sarah to sit with her tonight through the night.  Sarah is really over worked because she is the only one that mom wants at the moment when it comes to helping her.  We negotiated with mom and she agreed she will sleep alone if we leave the light on and the door open.

I noticed that she has become scared lately as she cries if I go out even for 1 hour.  If I go out I make everyone in the house sit with her until I get back so that she can see there is a house full of people.

I asked her tonight if she wanted a nurse to sit with her every night and she said yes she thinks so.  I will see how she feels tomorrow and maybe this is the way to go.

On Sunday when Alan was here she told him that she is going to die soon and we are hearing this more and more often.  Tonight she told Sarah that this is her last night.

Danie and I were discussing her birthday party with her tonight which is a month from today but she told us not to worry she will not be here by then.

She is so incredibly unhappy and I don’t blame her at all.  Maybe I am being paranoid but I  just have a feeling the end is near.

Should I be selfish and pray that this is not true or should I accept losing my mother if that is what she wants?

We seem to be going backwards fast October 16, 2009

I have not written for quite a while because nothing much seemed to be changing but in the past week I have noticed major changes taking place.

Sarah is the only person that mom will allow to help her.  When I offer to put her to bed she tells me that her feet will fall out the bed if Sarah does not do it.  Tonight she called after she was put to bed.  I went to ask what she wants and was told she wants Sarah.  When Sarah got there mom asked her for tissues.  I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow when Sarah goes home for 2 days.

Mom seems to be worrying all over again about whether her money is going to last her.  I keep on reassuring her that she has more than enough to live on and show her her bank balances regularly.  This is something that has not bothered her for a long time now.

Last night we went to a 90th birthday party that was held for a Lion by the Lions Club.  Mom was happy while she was there although she did not really talk much and was happy to leave after 45 minutes.  Today she was crying that she is bored and has not seen people for months and months.  We hardly take her out anymore because this is exactly what happens after a night out but as for never seeing people…there are people around her all day long.

We crossed a major bridge on Saturday when she agreed to go to the school carnival in her wheelchair.  When I suggested it she argued but eventually gave in and then agreed that she had enjoyed not having to walk around.

Today she told Sarah she did not feel for going for a walk when Sarah wanted to take her.  This is a first.  She loves her daily walks.  She refused to knit and would not watch TV.  The day must be very long for her but she refuses to do anything.

All her furniture and possessions came from the flat yesterday and for 2 days Sarah, Lena, the new domestic, and I have been unpacking all her things.  She has shown no interest in anything that has arrived although she refuses to throw anything out.  The only thing she was excited about was her display cabinet.  All she wanted to know was where her clothes were and can’t understand that she already has them all.  She is unhappy with her 9 wardrobes in her bedroom *rolls eyes*.  I wanted to put her favorite couch in her room but she refused and does not want her bedroom moved around.  I must say…she loves her bedroom and is really happy with her bathroom.  She now has mirrors everywhere and all the luxuries she could possibly want.  She is still very aware of what she looks like and likes to check up to see that she looks good.

I have no idea how I am supposed to make her day go faster for her.  She does not want to do anything, not even go to Checkers with me.  The only thing she always wants to do is visit friends but when I ask her which friends she says she does not know any friends.

Rene realises she has a problem with her mind.  She knows exactly what she wants to say to me but can’t seem to put it into words.  She tells me she wants to tell me something but can’t say it properly.  We sit for ages in silence while we wait for her to try and get the correct story out.  When mom starts talking I tell everyone to keep quiet and give her a chance because if she does not say what is on her mind she will not remember it in a minutes time.

Today when she was crying she said she does not know what she has done wrong in her life for this to happen to her.  I told her that I thought she should be very grateful that she had 86 pefect years.  She has enjoyed good health, a wonderful full life and always had her family close to her.  She agreed with this but said that she could have had it for much longer.  Oh well who am I to argue!!

Mom will never come out of her room without someone fetching her.  I often tell her that she is not in a jail and must not sit in the room when she wakes up but must come down to the lounge.  She refuses to do it.  Tells me she does not know where she is supposed to go.  I now keep the monitor on permanently for her so that she can call when she is awake but she won’t do this either so we just listen for movement and then go in.

Mom has become very quiet even with me and my family.  She will still talk to us when we start a conversation with her but will seldom start one on her own except when she is worried about something and wants to ask me about it.  She will often tell me she is very worried about something.  When I ask what it is she says “I dont know what I am supposed to wear tomorrow” or “do your think my pyjamas will be out for me when I want to go to bed tonight”.  The most trivial things are really worrying for her and I feel so sorry for her because to her they are really big problems she has.

Dylan, my eldest son, seems to not be handling this situation very well anymore.  He is withdrawn when it comes to Gran.  I think he is sad and can’t accept what has happened to her.  Alex and Adam still dote on her constantly.

I can actually notice moms body become more frail almost by the day.  We have to help her up and down the 2 stairs in the house and we do not dare let her out the house without holding her arm, which she absolutely hates!!!

I think she is becoming depressed again and maybe I need to talk to the physician about upping her medication because she has been wonderful since she went on it until this week.

How much does Rene know about whats going on around her? September 21, 2009

Our beloved Gertie passed away last week.  Under normal circumstances mom would have been devastated.  She realized (or made it seem she realized) that her sister had died but seemed to be in a daze.  She did not associate Noreen and Marilyn, her nieces, as being part of Gertie.  The funeral and prayers seemed to pass in a haze.  When Fransie gave her condolences the next day and said “sorry to hear about your sister” mom answered “why, what happened”.

We had the Jewish New Year celebrations at our house on Friday night.  The whole family were here.  Mom seemed very withdrawn and the only person she laughed with and chatted to was Adam. Arnold and Bea, her brother and sister-in-law arrived early in the afternoon and I found mom standing in the kitchen not wanting to sit and chat to them.

Mom does not seem to talk much anymore and does not partake in any discussions unless we are alone.

She loves her new bathroom which at long last is complete.  It was definitely worth all the pain and suffering.

A new problem we have is that mom does not want to sleep alone.  She seems to think that we leave her alone in the house once she is sleeping.  Adam explained to her that he sleeps in the room right next door to her and we are across the passage.  She seems ok if we put her to bed rather than let her go by herself.  She also asked if I would hear her if she called and I assured her that I have the monitor with me and would come to her as soon as she needed me.  I told her that if she insists that she does not want to sleep alone I would get her a nurse to sit with her at night and to this she did not answer.  Will see how it goes….

Otherwise things are going well.  Mom is happy and content.  We seldom have bad moments and although mom wants me around and relies on me all day she has adjusted well to Sarah and Jenny doing most things for her.

Help 24/7 is on the cards September 13, 2009

Renovations are almost complete and hopefully mom will be moving into her bedroom with her new bathroom this week.  Things have been hectic around here as anyone can imagine.  Some days we have almost 15 builders walking in and out and each time one walks in mom says “Janine there is someone coming in the door”.  When I reply “yes mom its the builders” I get the reply “what are they building?”.  The sooner we get rid of all of them the better things will go.

Mom going to the toilet is probably the most difficult problem that we have to deal with.

When Sarah (the main domestic) is around mom will never go to the toilet without Sarah.  When Sarah is not here we have a major problem.  She does not like me going to the toilet with her but tells me when she is finished so that I can go in and clean up.  This can happen 3, 4 or 5 times a day.  The problem is I have no idea how well she has cleaned herself because this is why she likes Sarah going in with her.  Sarah has offered that I call her from her room at night if mom has messed and she will come help her.  Unfortunately Sarah does need time off and its those times that I need to get some help in.  I think mom needs to keep her dignity and if she is unhappy with me washing her then someone else has to be available to do it.  She told me in no mean words, “if you need more help there is money for it, use it”.

Jenny, the carer, basically just keeps mom company on the days she is here but I am going to ask her if she would mind washing mom if necessary.  If she does not object she can work weekends or else I will have to find someone else.

Anyway…there is nothing we have not been able to accomplish yet so I am sure this problem will also be sorted out.

Mom does not ever try showering alone anymore which I am relieved about.  She is only too happy to call on Sarah to help her into the bath and to wash her.  I am so grateful that Sarah has adapted as well as she has to the situation.  She is an absolute gem.

Besides all this, things are really going well and seem to be getting easier and easier as we all get more used to it.

People dont mean to be hurtful September 13, 2009

As you might have noticed things are quiet on the blog.  Things are going ok and not much to comment on.  Mom is still settled and not unhappy very often.  Today is not a good day for her though.

Last night we took her to a braai (BBQ).  She was not having a good night and kept on asking for the same tuna basket that was served as a starter.  The more I told her she had already had one, then two, then three helpings, the more she argued that she had never seen that food in her life before and had most certainly never tasted it.  Eventually I had to tell her that she can’t have anymore as she would be sick.  The other people also kept telling her that she had already had 3 helpings.

Anyway…this morning I could see mom was sulking.  When asked whats wrong the answer I kept getting was “nothing”.  We all know how a woman feels when she says “nothing” or “fine”.  Eventually she spoke to Alex and told him she had not slept a wink last night because she is upset that people talk about her and she hears them.

I think she is hurting very badly about this.  People that don’t know her or are not used to her are shocked when she keeps repeating herself or when something happens like the tuna incident last night.  People then start whispering forgetting that there is nothing wrong with mom’s hearing!!  I am also to blame here as people ask me whats going on and I tell them softly so that they understand.  I will just have to be careful about this in future.

She did eventually tell me that she feels she does not deserve to be treated badly like she is and started crying that she does not want to live like this.  There I don’t blame her either.  I would hate to live her life.  Although we could not possibly do more for her than we are at the moment her life is far from perfect and nothing can be done about that.

Moms health is getting worse! August 28, 2009

Although mom is happy she has been having a rough time with her health.  I cannot believe that at the age of 86 she can handle all of this.

As I mentioned last week we went to the Physician because she had bad back and leg pain.  He said it was her sciatic nerve.  He did give her some tablets which seemed to relieve it a bit for now.

She then started complaining that everything is blurry so Monday this week I took her to the eye specialist who said she had dust in the pockets behind the lens.  He used the laser to repair this.  That problem now seems to be resolved.

Last night Danie said he thinks mom should see the doctor because she is slurring her words.  This morning when she woke up her face was skew, her mouth was foaming a bit and she said her face feels funny.  Off we went to the doctor to find out she has Bells Palsy.

Her face seems to be much better now but she is still slurring.  Hopefully she will recover 100%.

What amazes me is how she deals with all of this.  She was laughing about all her new aches and pains every day.  She also made me phone most of the family to tell them whats wrong with her.

My brother, Selwyn, came to visit this morning when he heard about her face and my other brother, Alan, came through to go to the doctor with me.  I think she is lapping up all the attention…and why not!!

Lets hope that she is over the bad spell of all the ill health.

Mom is happy!! August 28, 2009

Things have been going really well with mom starting to settle in comfortably.  She is no longer unhappy.  She is grateful for what is being done for her and overall it is pleasant having her with us.  She agrees she is “a spoilt brat”.  Every time I come home from being out she asks “what did you buy me”.  She loves surprises of biltong, nuts or chocolates and sweets.

We now have good help at home.  We have employed a second full time domestic and Sarah is taking over more and more every day with mom.  Sarah now baths mom every second day and mom seems to want her to make all her meals and demands attention from Sarah.  Yesterday she sounded so sweet saying “Sarah do you want to play a game with me?”.  They have good fun together and seem to laugh a lot in the day.

I think the sedative is whats really helping.  Mom now sleeps about 1.5 hours a day and always feels wonderful when she wakes up.

What a difference.  I really hope and pray this is going to last.